Digging Your Way Out of Job Search Discouragement

I’ve been in a funk lately and grappling with feeling discouraged.

I’ve written before about the noises from my upstairs office neighbors that interrupt my sessions. After a year of trying to get my owner’s association to follow their own rules, it’s clear that I have lost this fight.

I would have to sue a bunch of people, and apparently even then, there’s no guarantee that I could get them to put in adequate sound proofing.

To add insult to injury, the association manager worked hard to block me from getting on the board of directors, after I have been begging them to have regular meetings. They really don’t want to hear from me.

Anyone want a lovely office condo that turns into an echo chamber of rhythmic thumping and banging every afternoon?

Yeah, clearly, I’m discouraged. Thanks for listening to my frustrations - I get that these are the complaints of the privileged.

This whole saga has made me reflect on how we deal with discouragement in our work lives.

How do we keep going and not lose confidence and hope when work situations feel bleak?

Last month I wrote about new college graduates who are entering their first professional job search during this time of market uncertainty. I wanted to provide encouragement and guidance to those new grads and to anyone who is job searching in a down market right now.  

Companies are still hiring, but there is more competition for fewer jobs and it’s taking longer to land that next job. The unemployment rate for new college graduates is rising, and lots of people are job hugging - hunkering down in toxic jobs because it doesn’t feel worth it to search for something else.

All of this can lead to feeling completely discouraged.

The Job Search Blues

I’ve heard from college students who are feeling discouraged before they’ve even started job searching.

I’ve heard from professionals who are too discouraged to even put out feelers about new job opportunities.

But there is a special type of discouragement hell for people who are unemployed and have been actively job searching for months.

Every day I work with job seekers who are feeling discouraged because their efforts don’t seem to be paying off. They are following all the great advice: tailoring their resumes, identifying their target companies, watching every YouTube video about how to uncover the hidden job market, and networking till the cows come home (I just realized this might be one of those phrases you only say if you grew up in Wisconsin).

And still, the interviews are slow to trickle in. Or they have multiple interviews with a company only to hear nothing back – not even a rejection.

I am often the person who says to them, “Your resume looks great. You are doing everything right. Keep going.” And I know they feel like a drowning person, and I’ve just complimented their backstroke and told them to keep swimming.

How do you keep job searching when you feel discouraged?

Discouragement kills motivation.

It steals your joy and makes it harder to have hope for the future. It can spill over into depression and affect your mental health.

It can make it almost impossible to keep doing unpleasant tasks, and most job searching tasks aren’t that much fun.

This is NOT an article about finding the hidden job market or tailoring your resume or creative ways to network that land you that job. It’s about the emotional toll of job searching and ways to dig yourself out of discouragement.

We’re going to skip past all the advice to: “Change your mindset” and “Believe in yourself” and “Keep your eye on the goal.” Yes, these are all good things to do. But when you’re in the deep, dark hole of discouragement, platitudes are not enough. There are few simple solutions or quick answers.

Digging Out of Discouragement

When you are feeling discouraged about the job search, give yourself a few moments to take a few deep breaths and consider these 3 questions. (I’ve focused on job searching, but this applies to other work and life situations).

1) What am I most discouraged about?

Reflect on what’s getting you down. What’s making you feel the worst? What part of the situation is killing your motivation?

Take the time to name it. You can’t change something before you know what it is.

What is most discouraging about job searching right now?

• The uncertainty?

• Feeling powerless?

• Financial fears?

• Not feeling confident?

• Assuming the worst?

• Procrastinating and then beating yourself up for procrastinating?

• How much time it’s taking?

• How many jobs you need to apply for?

For example, in my office noise situation, my discouragement was about feeling completely powerless to change the situation and not being taken seriously.

Naming it doesn’t change it, but it helps you contain it. Once you name the problem, you can then begin to figure out what to do about it.

It may sound counterintuitive, but understanding what you are most discouraged about, is the first step in getting yourself to be less discouraged.

And if your answer to this question is “Everything” or “I don’t know,” that’s totally okay.

2) How am I reacting?

How are you reacting to the discouragement? What is your typical reaction to stressful situations?

Some people tend to internalize the discouragement and channel all the negativity inward. Internalizers take the stress in, may feel ashamed and sad, assume they are not good enough, and beat themselves up.

Other people externalize and focus the negativity outward to other people or the situation. They tap into their anger and frustration, focus on how the system is unfair, and how it feels like the deck is stacked against them.

Most of us do some of both.

Cognitive psychology tells us that we react to situations in three ways: thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. All three aspects interact, that is, our thoughts affect our feelings and behaviors, our feelings affect our thoughts and behaviors, and our behaviors affects our thoughts and feelings.

Thoughts: What are you thinking?

When you are discouraged, tune in to what are you telling yourself. Most people have an inner monologue, that is, they say things to themselves.

Sometimes the thoughts are heard inside their heads (this is not the same as auditory hallucinations or hearing voices of people who are not there) and other times the thoughts are images or have a movie-like quality.

When we are discouraged, the thoughts tend to be more negative. 

Do any of these negative thoughts sound familiar?

• I’m not good enough.

• Everyone else is more qualified.

• This is pointless.

• I’ll never find a job.

• I don’t know what to do.

• The system is rigged against me.

• Employers don’t care.

Emotions: What are you feeling?

Tune in the how you are feeling. Discouragement is one of many feelings you are likely experiencing in the job search process.

Humans experience a wide range of emotions from positive to negative. Typically, when we experience positive emotions (contentment, joy, happiness, confidence, and motivation), we don’t question it and just enjoy those feelings.

It’s those negative emotions that can be more devastating. Job seekers who have been at it for many months may feel sad, ashamed panicked, hopeless, overwhelmed, frozen, and a lack of motivation and confidence.

Emotions are neither good nor bad. They are the ways we are reacting to a situation.

Negative emotions have a way of tricking us into believing that feeling something negative means there is something negative about us. For example, feeling sad and down after getting a job rejection is a normal reaction to a crappy situation. Feeling bad does not mean that you did something wrong. It just means that you feel bad at that moment.

Emotions also come and go. When we are deep in discouragement and the feeling is strong, we need to remind ourselves that, slowly, over time, the negative feelings will fade.

Behavior: What are you doing?

Pay attention to how you are acting. How are you handling the discouragement?

Internalizers tend to withdraw from others. It can feel too painful to have others witness the discouragement, or they need time by themselves to process it all. They may wallow in the despair - the discouragement sitting like a heavy blanket over them.

Externalizers tend to seek out others and share their distress and frustration. They may do a little venting or ranting about the unfairness of it all. They may feel tempted to give the recruiters who ghosted them a piece of their mind, or to post about how AI is ruining everything.

Sometimes you can tell how you are managing the discouragement by paying attention to what the important people in your life are saying to you.

• If people are saying “Stop wallowing,” “Don’t let it get your down,” or “Don’t focus on the negative” they may see you internalizing and withdrawing.

• If people are saying “Calm down,” “Get over it,” or “Stay focused on the goal” they may see you externalizing and letting your thoughts spiral.

For the record, I’ve yet to meet someone who felt better when told to “let it go” or “get over it.” The point of this exercise is not to change what you are doing, but to notice what you are doing.

Don’t judge how you are responding, just identify your behavior.

3) What do I need next?

Discouragement kills motivation. Job searching is all about keeping up the motivation. Therefore, it’s vital to reduce that discouragement so you can keep going.  

What do you need to dig yourself out of this hole of discouragement?

Consider what you need in this moment to feel more hopeful, and how you need to respond differently to the stress doing forward.

Start with focusing on what feels the most distressing to you right now. What is the thought, feeling, or behavior that is the biggest obstacle to continuing to job search?

•  What negative thought is the most painful?

• What negative feeling is the most overwhelming?

• What are you doing that is not helping you?

This gives you the clue about what you need to change. The thoughts you need to change, the feelings you need to let move through you, or the behaviors that are harming more than helping.

Next, decide if you are ready to make a change. Are you ready to approach your situation differently? Are you ready to not allow that thought to be so powerful? Are you ready to try new coping strategies?

Sometimes, we need to honor those discouraging feelings and give them space. It’s okay to wallow. It’s okay to rant. It’s okay to not be ready to change them. Many times, people around us don’t want to see us discouraged. They want us to “snap out of it” or “move past it” or “don’t focus on the negative.” If you need time to focus on the negative, take it.

When you are ready to make a change, ask yourself what you need right now.

Figure out what you need in this moment. Most people have an idea of what they need to feel a little bit more hopeful in the moment.

• Stop job searching for the day?

• Stop procrastinating and do more job searching?

• Spend time with people you love?

• Spend time alone to nurture yourself?

• Pet your animal?

• Eat good food?

• Moving your body?

Then ask yourself what you need to do differently in the future. We often know when we are coping in ways that are not helping us.  

• Isolating? Force yourself to get around other people.

• In a negative head space? Get out in nature.

• Feeling exhausted? Move your body. Eat nourishing food.

• Overwhelmed? Find the people who can help you get organized.

• Relying on substances too much? Consider new ways to manage stress (yoga, meditation, exercise, therapy).

The options will be different for everyone, and different on different days. Find what you need to dig yourself out of the discouragement hole and stay on track with your job search.

And if you are feeling stuck or unable to get yourself out of the discouragement hole, please seek out career or mental health professionals who can help.