How to Avoid Saying “Hurry Up and Make a Decision” to Your Teenager
Tips for Helping Teenagers Make Career Plans
I spoke to a parent recently who wanted career planning help for their 17-year-old high school senior. They said their teenager was considering two potential career paths after high school.
I responded by saying that it was great that their high school student had narrowed down some ideas of what they might like to do after high school. I suggested that their child might benefit from exploring more about those two occupations and the educational paths to those occupations (e.g., 4-year college or 2-year college) so their child can feel more confident making a decision.
I could tell the parent liked what I was saying and was considering scheduling an appointment.
Then the parent sighed and said, “I just want my kid to hurry up and make a decision. It is driving me crazy that they don’t know what they want to do.”
As a vocational psychologist who helps people make career decisions, I felt sad hearing the parent talk about pushing their teenager to make a decision right away.
I thought about the anxiety that this parent was experiencing about their child’s career future. About how easily that parent anxiety can get pushed onto their child.
About how that 17-year-old might feel pressure to make a decision quickly, before fully exploring all the options, in order to make the parent feel better.
And about how that child might end up believing the myth that they have only one chance to pick their career path and that this decision will follow them the rest of their life. (To show how false this is, ask the adults around you how many of them are working in the occupations they thought they would do when they were 17. Not very many.)
I know that this parent loves their kid and was trying to do the best to help their teenager make some important decisions about their post-high school education and future career path.
Unfortunately, many parents did not receive supportive career guidance when they were teenagers. They want to be as helpful as they can for their children and may end up putting too much pressure on their children to make decisions before they have fully explored their options.
I came up with a few tips for parents who want to support their teenager’s career planning:
Encourage Career Exploration
In order to make an informed decision about they might want to do after high school, your teenager first has to explore their interests and possible career paths. The high school and early adult years are a great time for adolescents to try out different activities, classes, friends, hobbies, jobs, etc. in order to discover their interests. It is normal for teenagers to change their minds about what they like and dislike and move away from some activities they used to do as children. When teenagers are encouraged to explore different options, they will more easily be able to pick career and educational paths that fit well with their interests, strengths, and values.
Be Curious About Your Teenager
Parents can encourage their teenagers in the career exploration process by asking them questions and listening to their answers. Being curious about what they are thinking will help them feel more confident in exploring their career options.
Ask questions that help them explore their interests, such as:
What classes are your favorite in school? Which classes come easier for you? Which are harder?
What activities/hobbies/sports/jobs do you like? When you have free time, what are the things you like to do? What do you enjoy about doing those activities?
What tasks are you really good at? What kinds of tasks are harder for you?
What are your most defining personality traits? What traits do you not like about yourself?
Ask questions that help them explore their career and educational options, such as:
How long do you want to keep going to school after high school?
What topics do you enjoy learning about?
What jobs seem interesting to you?
What do you want your life to be like when you are 25? 30?
Avoid Criticism and Pressure
Schedule time to talk to your kids about their career ideas and potential plans. During these conversations keep a positive tone and avoid criticism. Figure out where they are stuck and what they need, rather than criticizing them.
Ask “What do you think about attending the college fair coming up at your school?” rather than, “Why didn’t you sign up for the college fair yet?”
Ask “How are the college applications going? Would it be helpful to brainstorm what to do next?” rather than, “Why haven’t you completed those applications yet?”
Ask “Do you know where to look for jobs? Let’s help you figure it out” rather than, “I told you a month ago to start looking for jobs. Don’t be so lazy.”
Career exploration and decision making is hard work, and it is normal for teenagers to feel anxious and unsure of themselves during this process. No one ever made better career decisions by being told to “Hurry up and make a decision.” By staying positive and being encouraging, you help your teen know that it is okay for them to not know what they want to do yet, and that you will support them as they figure it out.
Allow Your Teen to be (a little bit) Anxious
As parents, we naturally want to help our children avoid feeling bad or making poor decisions. We give them advice because we want them to benefit from our years of experience and perhaps to not make the same mistakes we did. It is important to recognize when YOU are anxious about your child’s career plans. You may want them to make a decision so you can stop feeling worried. Parents’ anxieties often feel like pressure to kids, and they may make decisions prematurely to help their parents feel better.
Anxiety is a feeling we have when we do not know what to expect. Career planning involves making decisions without knowing what the future holds. Having some anxiety is healthy because it pushes us to take action. When teenagers feel a little anxiety about the uncertainty of their career future, they are motivated to find out information, ask questions, and explore their options.
Prepare Them for Dealing with Change
Life is all about coping with change. We can prepare adolescents for the pressures of the adult world by teaching them to be flexible and adaptable. They may need to change directions when an unforeseen obstacle comes their way. Encourage your adolescent to explore and make decisions, but to recognize that those decisions might change. I work with many adults who felt pressure to stay working in a field they came to dislike because they felt that they could not change their career decisions. They paid a steep price of years of unhappiness and job burnout.
Seek Help if Your Teen is Stuck
If you have tried everything and your teenager seems stuck and unable to move forward in career planning, there are many resources out there that can help. School counselors have great resources for career and college planning. Or find a career counselor or career coach who works with adolescents and their parents. If your child’s anxiety or depression is making it difficult for them to engage in career exploration, reach out to a career counselor with mental health training or a mental health professional.